My Godmother

I have been doing research into NDE's or Near Death Experiences. Mainly because I have been dead and now am alive. Thanks Dad for encouraging me back into my body. I have heard many interesting theories about what may have transpired when my little human form straight-lined at the bottom of Magee's pool. Some seem theoretically sound and some quite amazing. I wanted to share some things with my readers because I think it's time to tell. Some of it, not all.

I do not have a memory of dying or of falling into the water. The only experience that has always stuck with me, a very vivid memory and tangible feeling, is of floating on my back underwater about 30 feet down. The water was extremely peaceful and I never wanted to leave it. It's warmth was permeating and the feeling was like nothing I have found again. The feeling of calm, lying there looking up through the water at the light, the very warm light. It reminds me today of the sun in the summer, when it reaches high noon. If I lay in the sun on days like that and close my eyes, I can almost feel that sensation. I do not have any memory other than this...as of yet.

To this day one of my favorite things to do is dive down in the ocean and lay on my back on the bottom, looking up into the light. It works in a pool but, the experience isn't vast enough. The ocean is almost big enough. Almost.

Anyway, my research is leading me down paths that scare me and excite me at the same time. Most of you reading this will never understand some of the things I am going to speak about, but never worry about me. One of the things common to all NDE's is the remnant feeling of solace with all around you and the understanding that things are so much bigger than all of us that few things really need be worried about. I cannot begin to explain, although I will attempt to, how this feeling of being unplugged from all the rest of you is so wonderful.

I have wondered all my conscious life why I didn't feel like I belonged here. Something has felt out of place since I can remember. It wasn't until an experience with death taught me a lesson. In the 8th grade, I was asked by Sister Brid to come to the back door with my backpack. I was leaving with my tear-soaked mother and going to see first hand what death really was. For the second time, I realize now.

I remember not feeling sad myself but feeling sad for all of you. I didn't feel like Magee was in trouble, more that she was causing you all so much pain and she knew it. She wanted that to stop, I think, at least I believe she wanted that. I cannot figure out why she waited though. Did she wait for me? It is very possible based on some of the research I have done. Each of us has a guide to the other side and sometimes people need their living human guide to show them the way. I keep coming to this answer and I find it remarkable that she would choose me. What I do remember was walking into the hospital room. Through the huge door and into a circular wall of my elders. This part probably due to my Catholic education but I remember thinking that when you all moved, it was like the parting of the Red Sea. I remember thinking that Magee was already gone, mostly because I was told not to expect anything. She was highly medicated and very ill.

Yet, she grasped my hand and sat up in bed. She said my name and told me how much she loved me. I already knew that and I remember thinking that she was ready now, to move on. I felt it in her hand, as hard as that is to believe. I have been looking for an explanation since that day and I feel that the guide scenario is the best fit so far. I actually need to ask her before I'll know for sure.

I must continue with the stories. The day my brother Michael died, I held him in my arms and looked deeply into his rolled back eyes for any sign of life. Odd that I should be there to see him off! I touched his blue lips and knew that he had gone. I have struggled with so much guilt since that day, guilt that I didn't do my part to save him as my father had done for me. Yet I cannot feel guilty anymore. I am beginning to understand the strong sensation that I could do nothing, the overwhelming feeling that I could not bring him back, was not an excuse. It was a very honest truth that my guilt ridden consciousness would not accept. I now am beginning to understand that I simply knew. I knew he was gone. I knew like you know your nose is on fire. I was sad because I wanted my brother, but I was more sad for my family and especially my parents. The sadness was for them and not for Michael. I was sad that they, my parents, would not understand that it was okay that he died and that you should be happy because of what he now experiences. Trust me, it is a feeling beyond earthly compare. Crazy, I know, but this is coming out of my mind and I am trying to piece it together. This is what I have so far and I now realize what needs to be done to continue my learning and understanding.

My Mom once asked me if I had ever considered suicide. My answer was yes, but that I had considered it a non-choice. As though, even if I tried and succeeded, that it wouldn't matter. I would be sent back and have to deal with the trouble and suffering I had caused. Quite selfish reasons for not doing it, but good reasons. Better than most.

The inspiration for this piece was a comment from my Godmother, Marie. I began to consider the fear and the panic she must have felt as she struggled with cancer. She now, I am sure, has a slightly different outlook on her remaining years, but I wanted to say a few things to her and the rest of my family. I love you all very much but you must know that this particuliar segment of the journey is fraught with struggles. These are here to help each of us to grow in understanding.

Marie, if you had been chosen to make the next leg of your personal journey, if you had been chosen to die, you would not have been sad nor hurt again. In fact, all the pain you have endured in your entire lifetime would seem as miniscule as a gentle breeze. Understanding would replace anguish. You must know that your mother will be there waiting as she has already come to you in dreams. We are all super glad your time on Earth is not finished, but you must ask yourself why? What have you not yet accomplished? There is something or many things left for you to learn before you go. These things are for the betterment of you and are not mandated by anyone else. The things you must do are very personally yours to achieve. I am glad I can finally share some of this without fear of judgement.

Mom, you need not worry about your future. I am asking Magee to give you some direction in this open forum of the internet. I hope she hears me. I guess you'll know if she does.

Please remember that I feel things differently than I believe most of you do. I can tell you with honesty that this Earth seems much too small to me. Too constricting for my taste, but it is not a choice. I must complete this lifetime in order to progress. As my exploration inside me and the world around us continues, I will try to keep ya'll in the loop.

One last note: I have always been severley sensitive to the emotional states of others. So much so, I often feel what they do and it is very aggravating. I feel it and to me the feeling causes anger. So much pain in the world and I feel it all. Sucks, but I am coming to realize that this may be the lesson I am supposed to learn. This may be the path for me and I am frightened at the prospect.